Perspectives from a City-fied Southerner

How did not offending people get such a bad rep?

If you google political correctness, the above definition is what Google supplies you with. What is so wrong with this? Why are people so angry/perturbed/annoyed by the idea of “political correctness”? I think the term itself leads to a certain distaste, as if some people’s politics are incorrect, which is unfortunate because ALL WE’RE TRYING TO DO HERE IS AVOID “EXCLUDING, MARGINALIZING OR INSULTING PEOPLE WHO ARE SOCIALLY DISADVANTAGED OR DISCRIMINATED AGAINST.”

I understand that people think that “being PC” means limiting what they can say. And that’s true, it does. But why do you think it’s a good thing that you should be able to freely use language that makes groups of people feel bad and not face any criticism? The right to free speech is certainly important and should be preserved but just because you can say something, does it mean you should?

Another frequent criticism of political correctness is that people just shouldn’t be so “sensitive.” Why is it a bad thing to care about how words and actions affect people? Why is it that certain groups of people are expected to just put aside their hurt feelings if they hear a slur used in casual conversation? “Come on, I didn’t mean it” is often the response they get. Perhaps you didn’t mean it, but the legions of people who previously used that word against that group of people sure did mean it and they weren’t joking. So let’s take those words out of circulation, they carry too much negative weight and they hurt people. Just because you don’t think they should hurt people doesn’t mean they don’t.

If you can’t tell already, I am a huge fan of political correctness. I don’t ever want to knowingly use language that hurts people, even if no one who you would think fits those descriptors is within earshot. I urge you to lovingly take action if you hear someone say, do or wear something offensive. No one wants to feel shamed for using words that they think are harmless. But when you say something is gay, or retarded, or ghetto, or use expressions that mock these groups or any others, the definition of the message you’re trying to convey is that you think whatever you are talking about is stupid. Are people who are gay, stupid? Are people stupid because they may have a developmental disability? Is something that is “ghetto” automatically characteristic of black people? Of course not. So if you hear anyone saying things like that, ask them if there’s a better word that they can use because those words break your heart for that group of people.

Let’s protect each other’s feelings and think before we speak.

T – is it true?

H – is it helpful?

I – is it inspiring?

N – is it necessary?

K – is it kind?

On making new friends

So, as I mentioned in my last post, I left NYC, and the life I had built there, to move back to Louisville and make the life that I’ve always wanted to have. I left the bright lights, the fast pace, the world-at-your-fingertips-big-city being fully aware that I wasn’t coming back to a whole lot of social structure in My Old Kentucky Home. Because when you’ve been gone for seven years and you return as a 25 year old, you don’t have any friends left over from high school and the ones you do still talk to have built their lives without you. Your family doesn’t really invite you over for spur-of-the-moment lunches because they’re not used to being able to do that. And also, as I’m sort of figuring out, everyone already has good friends. 

I realize that that last line sounded a little sappy but it’s true, and I totally understand it. True, deep friendships are wrought by fire. Between women, they are built on years of going to the movies together, eating ice cream through break-ups, supporting career changes, expressing frustrations about family drama, laughing at yourselves together, showing the other person sides of yourself that make you nervous, and a whole lot of Secret Sauce that can’t be described. They do not develop over night. They are sacred. You do not come to be in a deep friendship with someone by accident. You work at friendship and invest your time in it and then somehow months or years later, you find that you don’t know how you’d ever maintain any sanity without them. 

How do I go about finding new people that I will hopefully be able to build these kinds of relationships with? When I moved to NYC and didn’t have any friends there, I spent 60+ hours a week at work (not really by choice, I wasn’t that lonely, don’t worry) and that kind of time together built friendships with the girls I worked with. New York is also a place where everyone is from somewhere else and is thus looking to make friends in their “new city.” Now, I work with lovely, wonderful women in my new job but they all have friends. For the most part they have lived their whole lives here and they’ve never left the people that they call their best friends. And we don’t spend as much time working together to naturally forge that bond. We don’t hang out after work like I did with my friends in New York, because they all have “true” friends that they’d rather spend their valuable personal time with. 

Where does this leave me? Well, with having to put myself out there. Now I am not an extrovert. I am enthusiastic, and bubbly and funny and warm but these are not things that you always learn about me right away. But the only way I’m going to get to know anyone is if I go ahead and try to show those qualities to the world. I’ve been to happy hours and networking events and assorted other meet-ups but there’s always an air of superficiality. No one is showing their true self there. So what do you do, pick someone who seems like you might have something in common with you and schedule a “follow-up” meeting? The answer is yes. Man, making new friends is like business. But what’s the next step if you like the person? You keep setting up drinks or coffee dates… until when? How do you reach that magical moment when someone goes from being “the girl you met at a happy hour” to being a friend? Do you have to “go through something together”? 

I’m in the process of figuring it out. And in the process of learning to be okay with putting myself out there. This is all a growth experience and I know I’ll get settled in with some new friends but I sure wish I could speed that process along! 

What I should have already known about being in a long distance relationship

First off, pretty funny that in 2010 I thought I’d be posting more often now that I had given myself the freedom to post whatever I wanted. Ha! Let’s try that again…

Second, how frustrating is it when things happen that everyone (including yourself) always knew would happen and then somehow you still feel surprised/frustrated? I met and fell in love with a perfectly imperfect guy who happens to live hundreds of miles away and it is hard.

My relationship is very fulfilling and I am very happy but no joke, it is difficult. In addition to this advice dispensed by Glamour, these type of relationships should also come with a warning label that isn’t in the form of your friends. It’s hard to fully grasp how hard it will become to live separately from your significant other when you feel so deeply for them until you are doing it. Our relationship started out with long text conversations that became phone conversations and is now visits that occur as long and as often as is possible.

To this day, many people who know of my LDR remark that they “have no idea how we do it.” We work for it, that’s how. We prioritize conversations with each other every day, we communicate openly about topics both serious and not and we make sure that the time we spend together is meaningful and intimate even if we are just eating McDonald’s and watching a movie. And it’s beautiful.

So what’s the not-so-surprising and a little bit ugly shocker? I’m lonely from time to time and sometimes I’m jealous of people who live near/with their partner. How do I combat this? I usually engage in the (unhealthy) habit of comparing my relationship to that of others.

Not a very pretty truth is it? But you know what, we all do it! And I don’t think that it’s always something to be ashamed of. Sometimes it helps you to see what aspects of your relationship you could work on with your partner, or gives you ideas for conflict resolution. And sometimes, it makes you remember why you’re going to keep doing the LDR thing: because you’ve found someone who is amazingly worth it.

It’s been a while…

So I haven’t posted in some time, as you can tell. The usual excuses about not having time aside, I think the real reason behind my “blog abandon” is different: it was intimidating.

Perhaps because of the influence of the field that I work in and love, blogging started to seem like a massive undertaking. Like the pressure was on to “create good content” that would be interesting and thought-provoking to anyone who decided to stop by my site. This led to my feeling like I wasn’t writing for me and was instead writing for other people who may or may not have read in the first place. When you feel like you spend hours ideating and writing posts for a public that is inundated with everyone else’s writing all day long, it can give you a ‘what’s the point?’ attitude.

So now I’m back with a new goal that is actually fairly similar to my original goal: to just write about what I’m thinking about. I hope that any of you who happen upon my blog will be interested in the topics I write about but if you’re not, just keep on keepin’ on to the next person’s online home.

So I’m looking forward to writing again, because dammit I have a lot to say! I’ve moved to one of the most amazing cities in the world, began my career, moved into my own apartment and oddly enough, started looking for someone to share these experiences with. I can’t wait to share my experiences with you all. I hope you can relate and will want to share yours as well!

Anyone else start out super excited to join the blogosphere and then have a lackluster experience?